Birthday Blues

Well the blues have been coming on for a while now. I've been telling myself it is hormones, sleep deprivation... anything but admitting that discontent lives within me. Because in a warped way I feel that admitting any level of unhappiness will JINX all of the incredible blessings I have been given and for which I feel grateful at least some of the time. I am embarrassed to wallow in self pity when I sit pretty in my nice suburban home with a husband who has a good job and supports me and with 3 healthy children. I am so lucky.

But.

I am not sure I am really living the life that I was supposed to live. I keep having this nagging feeling that I am letting someone down. And frankly that someone is me. I used to feel smart, and good at things, and full of potential. I didn't know how my life would unfold but in addition to all these gifts I have in my personal life I thought I would be a productive, interesting person in and of myself. And I am not. And at 39 (39?!!) that feels like a failure. I feel like I have squandered a chance, lulled into letting time pass and not capitalizing on the path that was laid out for me. I was given a good education, surrounded by interesting people and I feel paralyzed by lethargy most of the time. I am a person who is OK at almost everything that I have tried and very good at almost nothing. And I am ready to trade that all around OK with just one talent or purpose that makes me feel a little more alive.

Enough wallowing. Boy - if this is 39 I can't wait to see how much narcissistic self-pity I can dredge up for 40.