Birthday Blues

Well the blues have been coming on for a while now. I've been telling myself it is hormones, sleep deprivation... anything but admitting that discontent lives within me. Because in a warped way I feel that admitting any level of unhappiness will JINX all of the incredible blessings I have been given and for which I feel grateful at least some of the time. I am embarrassed to wallow in self pity when I sit pretty in my nice suburban home with a husband who has a good job and supports me and with 3 healthy children. I am so lucky.

But.

I am not sure I am really living the life that I was supposed to live. I keep having this nagging feeling that I am letting someone down. And frankly that someone is me. I used to feel smart, and good at things, and full of potential. I didn't know how my life would unfold but in addition to all these gifts I have in my personal life I thought I would be a productive, interesting person in and of myself. And I am not. And at 39 (39?!!) that feels like a failure. I feel like I have squandered a chance, lulled into letting time pass and not capitalizing on the path that was laid out for me. I was given a good education, surrounded by interesting people and I feel paralyzed by lethargy most of the time. I am a person who is OK at almost everything that I have tried and very good at almost nothing. And I am ready to trade that all around OK with just one talent or purpose that makes me feel a little more alive.

Enough wallowing. Boy - if this is 39 I can't wait to see how much narcissistic self-pity I can dredge up for 40.

Hold me close, let me go

My baby girl has had a heck of a month in the development department. She has mastered crawling, pulling up and a sly lean on the elbow that makes her look like she is at the beach reading a magazine. Her petite baby bod is all muscle. I change her diaper and literally envy her the baby 6 pack she has going. She was baby chubby for about a month around 4 months but ever since she started doing her baby crunches and rolling around she is lean and toned. And now when I pick her she does this immediate swivel of her upper body to look out and around the room. Like - "am I missing anything better than mama out here?" So then I think she wants to explore and I put her down but oh nooooo, she wants to be picked up only to swivel around again!! It's that hold me close, let me go dynamic. She wants to be adventurous but only from the safe perch of my arms. I know this is the first of many such moments in our relationship where she will need a firm emotional anchor from which to explore the world, but I am so not ready. I just want her to put her head down on my shoulder and snuggle in. But she has growing and learning to do - and who am I to stop her?

Yes - another plumbing episode at our house - will they never end?

In the past year I have interacted with maybe 7 plumbers and rooter specialists due to our lovely 1950's abode. They seem pretty unflappable and I figure a plumber has seen everything, right? When the shower stopped draining this week I had a feeling it was something beyond Liquid Plumber and called one up to get things going before GG arrived for her visit to find her bathroom in shambles. So he is here for all of 5 minutes and I am nursing T when I hear him hollering "Excuse me - you're going to want to see THIS" in a voice filled with awe and wonder. With babe attachd to boob I creep down the stairs where he is proudly holding a hairball that is literally the size of a small boa constrictor. I mean it was ginormous. Now while I am not surprised given that I feel I've lost 85% of my hair since T was born, it is a wee bit embarrassing to have it all on display in such a grotesque way. "Well - that's what happens when you have a baby" I reply. At that point HE actually looked embarrassed!! That's it - I have not a shred of decorum left in me. I am making fun of my hormonal imbalances with perfect strangers now.